I’m not sure why I am writing this post today considering all the posts that I have promised/”owe” you guys! Something in the universe is pulling me to, so I will.
When I got pregnant with Alessandro we had been trying for a few months, nothing out of a timeframe that is considered normal, but it took some time. On the other hand, when I found out I was pregnant with Aria, we weren’t trying. Alessandro was only 9 months old, and had just had surgery for a clogged tear duct.
On a monday morning just 3 days after Alessandro’s surgery, I was expecting Aunt Flo.I yelled to my husband from the bathroom, “NICOOOO, WE HAVE A ****ING PROBLEM!” (obviously in hindsight, we did not…) He rushed over and I sat there on the toilet sobbing with a tampon in one hand and a positive pregnancy test in the other… He was thrilled, kissed me and said everything would be fine. I went into the Dr’s office to see a PA and have blood drawn etc… I was carrying my 9 month old when the doctor that delivered him saw us in the hall, he smiled said hello and then stopped and said, “Wait! what are you doing here?” I looked at him like do. not. even… I’ll puke on you, I’m so nervous… and he said “you’re pregnant?” I said yes, and he pulled the “you need to buy a TV joke” I think I laughed and he said well, I’ll be seeing you around! He was right… what I didn’t know was that for the next 12 weeks of my pregnancy I would see him EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. Never knowing if my baby had made it another week or not…
The emotions of an unplanned (not unwanted) pregnancy are very “roller coaster-esque”, especially being so close to my previous pregnancy. Happy, sad, unsure, etc. I had just started to feel like I had my body and life back when suddenly I was going to start dealing with reflux, nausea, sciatica, lower back pain, rhinitis… the list goes on.. but at 6 weeks pregnant once i had assimilated the fact that I’d have a second baby by the end of the year, I experienced the most devastating moment when I went to the bathroom with some cramping and major bleeding. I called my husband crying to tell him what was happening, called my doctor for an appointment (technically I wasn’t even an OB patient yet) and they told me to come in within an hour.. my husband came to pick me up and took me to the appointment, I was certain I was miscarrying and with it came feelings of guilt. “This is my fault because I wasn’t initially happy”, “This is because I said it was a problem”, “this is because I wasn’t sure if I was ready”… etc etc
I don’t remember if they sent me to get an ultrasound before or after seeing the doctor I was just so distraught, it’s all a blur… But in the ultrasound room, Ill never forget the flicker on the screen that was my little baby’s heart! That little fetal pole would be my little warrior girl! Next to her was a HUGE BLACK HOLE… Subchorionic Hematoma or Subchorionic Hemorrhage as they call it. This Hematoma was immense compared to my little bean and I was scared for her, it was David and Goliath, and elephant and a mouse, a boat in a vast ocean… How?! How will this little bean I love so much ever fight this? There was no explicable reason for my hematoma, but I was told nothing I did would change the outcome… and don’t forget, I still had a 9 month old to care for and breastfeed! I was at risk for miscarriage and just had to wait and see, additionally if the hematoma didn’t resolve by 18 weeks, I was at risk for preterm labor.
The coming weeks were petrifying, the hematoma would actively bleed, grow, then stop, then shrink, then bleed, then grow, then stop, never resolving. In one of the active bleeding episodes it grew bigger than it was initially! I did my best to stay positive and keep busy without feeling guilty or having negative thoughts that I had somehow caused this, because obviously that was just the hormones talking. At my 18 week appointment I had already had more ultrasounds than I can count and more appointments than anyone in an entire pregnancy, but thankfully by this point my SCH was resolved, there was no trace of it at all!
I share this with you all for a couple reasons, the first being that mom guilt is not logical and more often than not, we are WAY too hard on ourselves! The second reason is to share my story, not everything is rainbows and butterflies but that doesnt mean that the lotus flower doesn’t grow from murky waters. Aria is my little warrior girl, my little lotus flower. She is a fighter, from the beginning…quite literally!